i was supposed to "job hunting" today but instead in am sitting in a coffee shop. Let me give you a bit of a "history of elle" lesson and you will see why.
i have a history of mental health issues; depression, suicide attempts, cutting, just to name a few. i've bee in and out of psych units, seeing psychiatrists/therapists and on various medications since i was 15 years old. The last time i was in the hospital was almost three years ago. i was cutting my thighs and cut too deep. i called a friend and he rushed me to emergency where they stitched me up and sent me along to the psych ward for observation. but in the last three years i have made leaps and bounds in my recovery. It's been over a year since i've had to take antidepressants, let alone the heavier meds i've taken in the past, and even longer since my latest therapist "released" me. i have never gone a year without having some sort of depressive episode before now.
What's changed? Well, i think a big part is that i finally went back to school to do what i've always wanted. And the other part is Lee. She is amazing!! i ♥ Her more than life itself. Our relationship is stable, mature and i feel more secure and loved than i ever have before.
OK, so on to last night...Madam and i had a bit of a play session last night, nothing too hard cause i'm still recovering from an intense physical scene we had on Saturday. It was mostly just Her writing on me, a bit of light paddling and caning and scratching. At one point She mentioned about going to get a knife and actually cutting me rather than just the scratches She had been doing (we've talked about it before and i told Her that i was interested in trying). After She came back with a knife, She told me that She had only planned to mindfuck me and use a butter knife but if i thought i was ready that She would do it for real. i assured Her that i was ready and wanted Her to. The feeling of the knife on my skin was all at once terrifying and exhilarating. I quickly realized though that i was feeling many of the same feeling that i had when i was cutting before. i decided that i wasn't as ready as i'd thought i was and tried to call red (our safeword). But it only came out in squeaks, i couldn't form the word as much as i tried. Madam moved on from the knife play soon after, moving on to other things. i didn't say anything about it to Madam once the scene ended, i drifted off to sleep soon after.
This morning i woke up feeling not quite right, kinda down and anxious. At first i thought it was just the jitters about going on the "job hunt" but while we were getting ready i started to feel more and more depressed. Finally i told Lee that i felt like i was about to cry which of course opened the flood gates and the tears spilled down my cheeks. i told Her that last night had brought up memories of my past. i also told Her about trying to use my safeword and not being able to. (which thinking about it now kind of scares me, what if it had been some sort of medical emergency? would i have been able to then or was it just because of the type of play we were engaging in?)
Lee called work to tell them that She was going to be a bit late and we talked for a while. She feels bad that She didn't realize that i was trying to safeword but as i told Her, i was facing away from Her, my hands were out of sight and She was focused on what She was doing (which i'm glad for-i wouldn't want Her focus to be wandering while She had a knife to my back). i admitted that i wished that She didn't have to go to work, that i wanted to be with Her. She suggested that i leave the job hunt until tomorrow and come with Her to work so that i wouldn't be home alone. So now i sit here waiting for Lee to have Her dinner break to visit for a bit then wait again until She's done work and we can go home together.
i'm glad i'm not home alone. As much as Madam says She trusts me, i don't know how much i trust myself. When i told Her that She told me that i'm a good girl and wouldn't do anything that doesn't please Her and doing that wouldn't please Her so i wouldn't. i'd like to believe that but i don't, not right now.
i'm not depressed but with only one income life is stressful. i have an urge to cut now to release some of that stress. The feel of the blade opening up my skin and spilling my blood is cleansing, a release. The release is addictive. The pain (that's not the right word but i cannot think of the word i want right now) gives me something else to focus on, a distraction. i had forgotten how cathartic cutting can be. If you've never been a cutter, you probably don't understand. All i can say to explain it is that it's like an anorexic, the more stressed life gets the less they eat cause it's the one thing that they can control.
I do want to try knife play again but only when Lee will be home the next day in case i have a similar reaction. i want to work through this issue, i don't want it to control me or what Madam and i do in play. i guess it's like a person who has been in an abusive relationship having problems with certain aspects of play and wanting to work through them. Or is it more like an addiction and i should just leave well enough alone? i'm not sure, only time will tell i think. If we do knife play again and i have the same reaction over and over then we may have to add it to the hard limits, or soft limits with extreme amounts of aftercare. Who knows?
Have you ever had a similar experience? i'd love to hear about it and how you manage it.
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